she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
