Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
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I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
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Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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