well he's currently spooning the coffee table
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
