Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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