How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
