You don't have asthma, your pregnant
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
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