It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
