My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
They took my balls.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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