So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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