I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
