I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
