I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
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