I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
