Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
