Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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