my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
