please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
