It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
