i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
