I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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