I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
