Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
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I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
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There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
lol hangovers are for mortals.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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