Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
