After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
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