a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
