Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize