..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Randomize
