I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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