dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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