your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Randomize
