tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.