Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
