I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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