if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You need a sexual gate keeper
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
