I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I booty called her while she was in labor.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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