You're completely useless in the revolution.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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