Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
