I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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