the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
