just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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