dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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