we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
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