Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
