sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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