what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
