Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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