Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
