hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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