While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize