I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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