Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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