I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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