peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Randomize
