I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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