I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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