Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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