I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
