No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
