In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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